a set of (not really) connected thoughts (mostly about me)

i always wanted to be a dictionary

when i was a kid
i wanted to invent words
i don't remember most
only one

bunkle (v): to overall succeed in a task, but to still fuck it up just a little bit

it was the perfect word
i was a cocky kid but i knew i had limits
i'd never claim perfection
but i could claim that i bunkled it

got a subpar grade on an assignment? bunkled it
broke up with my high school girlfriend? bunkled it
got into my second choice college? bunkled it

i'm happy to bunkle
because it's better than failure
and that's not something i'd ever
want to be

pareidolia

(n) the tendency to perceive a specific, often meaningful image in a random or ambiguous visual pattern. in other words, seeing things that aren't there.

we all experience it:
seeing a face on a fire hydrant,
or an animal in a cloud,
or a threat to your life in a friend.

a person that isn't there.
voices in the next room,
provided by no one.
music that no one else hears.

plans to fix everything,
that only tear it all down.
doubts towards your loved ones,
foreseen times that will never come,
never had any hope of coming,
but were completely real.

burning bridges that
are newly repaired.
concerned looks that
glow with love.

love that wears thinner
than your sanity

love that's as finite
as the pills in your bottles
that you have to store in
another room so you don't
tempt yourself.

a room belonging to a friend
that you know is trying to kill you
that poisoned your pills
so you don't take them.

love that you cling to
so tight that you strangle it
the exact same way you feared
it would strangle you.

solace becomes rot
rot becomes you
you look for solace
and rot it remains.

transit

content warning: this one's kinda heavy, suicidal themes

i had a plan one time
i didn't want it to be jumping from heights
i didn't want to be found in a horrid state
i wanted to be gone
unrecognizable

i've never loved to be perceived
so i was going to jump
so i'd be gone

every night for a week straight
i'd go to the train station and stand and watch
telling myself the next one was the one
and it never was

screaming for my body to move
to just get it over with
so i could go home and sleep
so i'd feel safe again

i skipped the middle step every time
and started to make my way back home

i think i'm still walking

at least i'm done waiting